Persistence

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On my last post I commented I started exercising again, or at least attempted to exercise.  Well since I had my pout session about how hard it was and how far I had digressed from my original goal,  I decided not to give up! As heart breaking as it was to me to see how far backwards I had gone, I knew that I could only move forward and get better than where I was on  my first attempt at exercising again.

I am proud to say I didn’t give up; I went back to the drawing board.  I searched for YouTube videos which would work for me and start at the beginning.  I found a beginner’s video and decided to give it a try.  Well, I went from my first day being able to exercise for just a few minutes to completing a workout on Sunday!

To top this exercise off today Robert and I set out on something I haven’t been able to do in such a long time.  We set out on a walk!  We walked close to a 1/2 mile today — which we actually power walked for about 5 minutes of the walk!  Can you tell how excited I am about this gigantic step?!?

It feels so good to be returning to myself again, now that my foot is healing!   Stay tuned to more of our journey — I can’t wait until I am able to join my friends for Zumba and increase my walking to the 2+ miles a day.

**My Feature Image is a  picture my of starting point — it is what made me realize how far I had strayed! It is my point of motivation, I look forward to retaking this picture before too long.**

 

Embarrassed

First off,  I am sorry I haven’t written in a while. It is testing season at school and I am totally exhausted when I get home each night.

Tonight marks the first night in over a year and half that I have been able to do yoga or any other type of exercise!  I am so excited that my foot is back to 100% and I am now able to resume life as normal.

Well, in my mind I can resume life as normal BUT the fact of the matter is that I have put on a lot of weight and my body isn’t use to exercise anymore.  So, my first day back at life as normal was embarrassing and quite a challenge!  I lasted at yoga for all of 15 minutes tonight which is very sad for someone who, before a foot  injury would walk for an hour, and would do yoga for about an hour.  But more embarrassing than only being able to workout for 15 minutes was the fact I couldn’t even sit with my legs crossed anymore and I promise this will change!!  Why am I sharing this with you?  Well, I have to be honest with myself and my reader, if I am going to document my weightloss journey or my weightloss struggle then I must be honest.

The embarrassing moment I faced this afternoon caused a total meltdown and is ultimately what caused me to stop working out after only 15 minutes. At that moment the emotions I had buried deep in came flooding out.  Fortunately for me, my wonderful husband was there with open arms to embrace me while I faced my demon.  I know he did not like what he heard as I poured out my heart over my embarrassing moment – instead of saying anything to change my mind or redirect my attention, Robert simply held me and said, “I Love You!”

 

 

Who Knows My Name?

A few weeks back Robert and I were honored to attend the baptism of our niece, Cecilia.  That Sunday, the church my brother and his family attends had a quest speaker.  The speaker made a comment which has stuck with me and has really made me think.  He said, “People like to know that others know their name.” He then proceeded to give an example where a group of little children got all excited because he knew their names.

At the time this statement didn’t stick out to me.  I knew the minister was ultimately talking about God knowing our name — which I know without a doubt He knows my name, so I didn’t put much weight into that statement until a little while later.   Having someone know my name is important, I know many of my followers know who I am, my friends and my co-workers know who I am but is that all?

I have spent much of my life being shy, introverted and at times very recluse.  Heck for the first  _____ year of my life, help me here Stasi with the exact number, I didn’t speak for myself. I would have someone else talk for me.  I wonder how much being this way has hurt and hindered me in my life and in my faith.  How many people out there don’t know who I am because I stayed in the shadows and very rarely stepped out in the spotlight?  Who really knows my name after all these years?  Am I still known just as Bobby and Geraldine’s grand-daughter? Willie and Ella Mae’s grand-daughter? Wayne and Margaret Ann’s daughter? Roberts’ wife? Who out there really knows my name?

*Sorry if my post are deep here lately — I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past little bit to help me in my weight-loss journey.*

Up next:  All About Me

 

 

The Struggle Is Real!

I have to be honest my journey to the new me has been a real struggle!  For the first time in my life I feel as though I am a failure.  It seems no matter how hard I work, how little I eat or how healthy I eat, there isn’t any signs of weight loss for me.  I struggle to put into words how I am feeling through this journey, which is definitely not like me.   I know where I want to be and I see where I am.  The place I am at is not any closer to my goal than I was in January.

So what is my hang up?  Why can’t I lose weight?  Why do I feel like a failure?  These are questions I MUST find the answers to!!

To my readers, friends and family please be patient with me as I go on this journey.   Sorry I haven’t written in a while – I know I have hidden myself from my readers the past month and I apologize.  I realized today how much I have been hiding and not getting out and about anymore which is totally due to the way I feel about myself these days!  Please hang with me and help me on my journey!

Up next: Who knows my name?

 

Share Time

Goodness, where has time gone?  It seems just like yesterday Robert and I began to seek  God about our housing situation.  Here we are two years later living in our dream house, made possible only by the grace of GOD!  The past few months I have been working on putting together a video to share with you.  The video documents, through pictures, our house from the very beginning to where we are today!  I hope you enjoy watching as much as I enjoyed putting it together.  I have to admit, I was brought to tears as I put together our video!

Also, one confession about our weight loss journey!   Robert is down several pounds where me on the other hand —- I am scared to get on the scales, scared what the scales will show.  I know from the shopping I did today, the scales will show me something I don’t want to see and don’t know if I am ready to see!

I was asked the other day a few questions and a few  of these questions happened to be, “What habits do you need to say goodbye to the most? Make a list. What do you need to do more?”  It was followed up by “When you know what your temptations/weaknesses are, then we will work towards how to make the choices to avoid or say no to them.”

Since being asked those questions I have thought really hard about it.   Over the next few days I will be documenting a list of habits I need to say goodbye to.  I hope you will following along as I pour my heart out to my readers and document my struggles and successes over the next little, let’s be real here — the next long, while!

 

Words from Robert

I know he will probably get me for this but I found this post my husband made tonight and just had to share.  These words rang true as I read.  I believe we are in this together!

 

“When I was growing up, I was active and played several sports. I ate like a horse. I was able to get away with it, because of the activity and a teenager’s metabolism. I was 170 lbs as a high school Junior and then 185 lbs as a Senior in high school. My weight fluctuated between 160-190 for the next 5 years. Once I quit exercising in my 20’s, I quickly ballooned from 190 to 215 in about 6 months time.

I gained and lost numerous times over the years. I even saw the beginning of some abs at 30 years old.

I let emotional experiences derail me wit every lof style change….new relationships, the breakup of a relationship, disappointments, etc. sidetracked me.

During the year leading up to meeting my wife Chana, I lost some weight. The exercise started off pretty, well, really rough. I went through a fitness bootcamp/ YMCA biggest loser. I thought for sure I was going to vomit in the bushes on the first night. I cold never quite keep up though out the 12 weeks. The other participants were much younger than me and in much better shape. I was determined not to be defeated by the exercises….. running up hills, suicides, spinning classes, intense aerobics, running laps……

Although my diet was way off, I got in terrific aerobic shape! My stomach began to shrink. I began to take flight! I ended the course working out on my own running hills that were MUCH steeper than those we started out on that first night. I flew up the hill, ran down the side, and then repeated again at full speed. After a few more weeks, I wanted steeper hills, but that hill was the steepest at the YMCA! I still felt like I could conquer the world! People who saw me on the street for the first time probably thought of me as out-of-shape, because I was still 240 lb!!!

THAT was only 4 short years ago! I quit about 3 months before Chana and I began to date. hmm.. If I attack exercise with the same intensity, consume a clean diet, and supplement, what could I accomplish even at 255 lbs.? What would I look like under all this weight? What health problems could I reverse? ..diabetes, high b.p., muscle aches, a sleep disorder, and digestive issues…How would I feel with less weight, better health, and able to tackle mountains this time?”

Robert, we can do this!!

 

I Survived

Last night was the season premiere of Biggest Loser, Temptation Nation.  I was eager to watch primarily  (here is a confession coming) to see what I missed out on. Deep down I felt this pain and desire to be there.  I really was surprised by my emotions as I began to watch.

I had been told several times over the past months Robert and I were simply not overweight enough for the show.  As it would turn out, as I watched the show, there were several contestants smaller than us and stories that did not match ours.  I also noticed, yes I was very observant last night,  many of the contestants were from Georgia and a handful from Florida.  I think that realization hurt bad.  I began wondering/questioning again why we weren’t good enought for this show.  What about our story didn’t make us good enough?!?

Yes, as I watched the show, I cried along with the contestants — I couldn’t help it!  Here comes another confession ladies and gentlemen. … I also cried a few tears and wanted to cry even more out of self pity.  I really suffered from the want and desire to change our lives and the lives of those around us, what is wrong with wanting to give my community something to be proud of?!?

After all being said, I survived the season premiere last night.  I enjoyed watching the changes the show made, how cool would it have been to be part of those changes!

 

A New Year, A New Me

Beginning 2016 I will be using my blog to help document my weightloss journey. If you have read several of my entries in 2015, you see where this is a struggle I have been fighting for a while. My blog will not only cover the journeys Robert and I have but it will cover all the details in my weightloss journey. In the following days look for me to post all the nitty gritty embarrassing information.  You, my readers, friends and family will hold me accountable! I pray you will also encourage me along the way when you see me struggle —  you are on this journey with me!

The following picture is serving as motivation!  Next year I want to retake this picture and compare it to this one. (This is my first embarrassing post/fact/detail.)

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This picture shows just how bad I need to lose weight!  When my family went to ICE! in Orlando before Christmas, everyone was given parkas to wear. Well, from this picture you can see that the one I was given did not fit, that is obviously me there on the middle!  The embarrassing fact which I hate to admit  is… this was one of the largest sizes they had and it did not button all the way down  and where it did button you can see it barely fit.  This picture was an eye opener for me.  I cried over it, got mad about it, was embarrassed by it and most importantly I have been motivated by it!

Welcome to my weightloss journey.  I hope along the way to find courage and strength and find an improved me! #thebestisyettocome

 

 

 

 

 

Sanctuary

I remember back my freshman year of college, 20 years ago now — where has time gone, I was given a writing assignment which I had to write about my sanctuary. The professor told us our sanctuary could be a favorite spot, our safe spot or any location which brought us serenity. I can remember so vividly writing about my sanctuary, I remember identifing, describing it and longing to be back at that spot. The spot I identified 20 years ago as my sanctuary was a childhood location which was filled with memories.  It was a spot where I would spend time with my parents and grandparents, fishing and enjoying each others company.  Thinking back to this assignment I wish I would have identified another location as my sanctuary, a location which holds just as many memories (if not more), I spent most of my free time growing up there with family and friends. I guess 20 years ago I just didn’t realize how precious this location was to me and how much of a sanctuary it really was or would become to me.

The past few days I have not been able to clear my mind of this place, I have even dreamt of it. So, I figure writing and sharing about this place will help me stop thinking about it so much, even though I wonder why it is in my thoughts these days.

My sanctuary is a small white building in the country. It is not just any white building, it is a building my family (my uncle, grandpa and dad) came apon, rehabbed it back to life and spent many hours at for over thirty years.  I can still remember watching members of my family hammering away, rebuilding the wooden stage area and picture so vividly the old piano, which was falling apart due to termites and other insect infestation, being removed to make room for a new one. This building would see many people come and go thru the thirty years, it heard many heartfelt cries, shared laughter and along the way saw many lives changed. The building isn’t as small anymore, it was renovated throughout the years, it even now has indoor bathrooms (I could tell you a few stories about having to use it’s outhouse – but will save that for later) and a kitchen ready to be used. The little white building was a place I could fully be me. I felt welcome to express myself to the fullest. This white building even saw me overcome my fear of people and overcome by shyness.

I know deep down the lessons on life I learned while sitting on the wooden benches and later the soft cushioned benches came from a source much greater than this little white building.  A building is simply a building and is only as great as those who occupy it, in this case the building I am talking about is a house of God. My sanctuary in life is truly a living, breathing sanctuary. It is where I became a Christian, developed and grew as a Christian. My sanctuary is even where I met my husband!  It is this small church next to a cemetery in Sanderson, Florida. I, to this day can still smell the inside of the sanctuary, I can feel the pews, the floor and the wood of the custom made pulpit,  see the people and items which made up this church. This little church holds so many happy memories also holds bitter sweet and sad memories for me.

It has been a year and a half since I last stepped foot into my sanctuary, I have visited many other churches since my last song in that little church and yet I still struggle to find a place which allows me to feel free and welcomes me the way the little white church did.  I know our time in this building is over and God is wanting us to move on to bigger and better things (maybe this is why this place hangs so strong on my mind the past few days) to serve Him in a different capacity and find new friends along the way!

While I sit here reminiscening (and crying)  on my life and that small white church from my childhood and adulthood, I can’t help but realize how much I took this place and it’s people for granted all of my life. While it was always important to me and helped me become who I am today, I sure wish I would have not taken it for granted and would have embraced and loved it a little bit more.

My sanctuary is now occupied by new tenants. There is a new pastor and even new parishioners attending there now but I still dream of the time I was one of the members who sat on the third row on the right side of the church. I was the little girl learning the books of the Bible, memorizing Psalms 23, Psalms 100, John 3:16-17 (just for starters) and learning to sing the old hymns from the red Church Hymnal.  I was the adult who worked with the youth, helped organize Women Conferences, sang praises to God and most importantly worshiped God. Now all I have left are memories which I hang on to tightly and am saddened that I won’t be able to raise my children in the little white church.

As I think back to my assignment I was given 20 years ago, I wonder why I didn’t say my sanctuary was, Cedar Creek Church. …….

At Long Last

This post has been two years in the making.   I remember back two years ago Robert and I were, doing what friends do, helping one of my friends move into her apartment.   I remember talking with her in great detail about the struggle I was having.   I told her, the fact that we didn’t have a house of our own wasn’t the thing I seemed to be struggling with at the time.   I remembering telling her that I had began to deal with that but the thing I really struggled with was knowing that Robert and I wouldn’t be able to celebrate our first Christmas as husband and wife around our own Christmas tree and spend those special moments together preparing to spend Christmas morning together, surprising each other with the gifts we had bought for each other.   I can still vividly remember the conversation with Janet.  I remember telling her that not only would I not have those moments with Robert by myself but…..   but I knew when we did have a house of our own we couldn’t go back in time and celebrate our first Christmas together.  After quite a bit of tears I remember the words she spoke to me, like only a friend can do, “Don’t worry about not having your first Christmas by yourself, think about all the years you have to look forward to spending with your husband.  You have what you didn’t think you would ever have and when you do get a house you will make those memories then”.  Those words stuck with me and I clung to them for two Christmas’.   I kept looking for the day we would have our own house and we would be able to celebrate those special moments by ourselves.  Don’t get me wrong, we enjoyed every holiday we celebrated with my parents and made special memories which cannot be replaced, for that I am truly forever grateful!

Now, at long last it is so exciting to see our dreams come true.   That Christmas tree I cried about not having with Robert, guess what….  We have it in our dining room and the day we finished putting it up with all of the decorations we had compiled and saved for this one moment – well I cried!   I never thought I would cry over having a Christmas tree but this year as I placed on the tree our Nativity ornament and “Our First Christmas” ornament, I found myself crying.  Every time Robert and/or I plug and unplug the tree we want to pinch ourselves because at long last we are able to begin making those special memories we may have missed out on, or thought we have missed out on our first two years married!   I may not know the feeling all new married couples have opening up their Christmas presents on Christmas morning around their own tree at their own house BUT if it feels better than the memories we are making on our third Christmas being married and our first Christmas in our home than it MUST be rather special.  We are, just like my friend told me several years ago, making memories today that are just as special if not more special than I could have ever imagined.

I know must of you were expecting me to make a different announcement when I titled this, “At Long Last”!  Sorry to disappoint but this is a rather special occasion if I must say so myself!

For those of you who have been wondering when  I was writing again, sorry it took so long — it just took a while to put into words what I am feeling this Christmas season!   Thank you for the nudging — I will try my best to write every week.  If you don’t see a weekly post please nudge me so I will write.